Opening Cinematics: Dragons! Dancing half-naked women! Building weapons! Swinging swords around pointlessly! At least two of these things will be in this game!
	Title Screen: Yeah, I'm totally not hiding a secret intr-oh who am I kidding? Just wait for the music to stop.

VKP Headquarters

	VKP Guy: We need you to go and save the Duke now.
	VKP Woman: Here's way more info on the job than we should have.
	VKP Bigot: And some anti-religious-freedom ranting, just for good measure.
	Shadow Dudes: Oh, and we're important. Really, we are.
	Ashley: I'm going to walk away slowly now and forget any of this happened.

Duke's Manor

	Merlose: Hi, are you Ashley?
	Ashley: Whatever, just fill me in.
	Merlose: Aren't you cheerful. Whoops, they set the place on fire!
	Ashley: Good enough for me. 'Ta.
	Merlose: What about reinforcements?
	Ashley: I am the reinforcements. (Idiot.)
	Guildenstern: These guys are too easy. Go find me an immortal for a punching bag!
	Soldier: Yes sir! (I think my boss might be evil. Nah...)
	Cultists: Gosh, I hope nothing goes wrong with our plan.
	Ashley: Something went wrong with your plan.
	Cultists: Crap.
	Sydney: Hardin, go get the plot device, I mean boy! I'll be here waxing poetic if you need me.
	Hardin: Right. (Why the hell am I working for him, again?)
	Ashley: Freeze!
	Sydney: No.
	Ashley: Okay. Die!
	Sydney: Not gonna do that either.
	Ashley: Huh. Um, don't run away?
	Sydney: Sorry. Off to the city of ultimate evil now. Here, play with my little pet while I break through a window for no good reason.
	Wyvern: ARRRGH ARROWS IN EYE!
	Ashley: Out of the way, petty annoyance. Guess I'd better follow him.
	Pretentious Text: Yeah, people are assholes 'cause they can die. That's why everybody in this game is evil. No really!

Duke's Residence

	Duke: So you managed to save everyone? Good, now kill them all and hide the evidence.
	Retainer: Have I ever mentioned that you're an unbelievable bastard, sir?
	Rosencrantz: Oh he's well aware of that. Why do you think I'm here?
	Duke: Go save my son, would you? I'm improbably fond of him, even though I just ordered all of his relatives killed.
	Rosencrantz: Can do. Yep, totally going to save your son and not usurp anything. Dum-de-dum.

Wine Cellar

	Ashley: This it?
	Merlose: Yep. Ready?
	Ashley: Yep. Try not to get caught and made into a plot device, would you?
	Merlose: No problem. Have fun raiding the city!
	Sydney: Oh hello. You get to be a plot device now!
	Merlose: Ah crapcakes.
	Ashley: Now that I'm trapped here, I think I'll start hallucinating about my dead wife and child that might or might not be really my wife and child.
	Soldiers: Holy crap, the city of untold evil has magic in it!
	Ashley: Ahh, hallucinations! Oops, they heard me. Now I have to kill a bunch of innocent soldiers. Oh well, I needed the exercise.
	Guildenstern: Yeah, there's a super-human coming this way, and I want you to stop him at all costs.
	Soldiers: Yes sir!
	Sydney: Hehehe, suckers...
	Minotaur: RAWR!
	Ashley: Bugger off, I'm being deep. What's that annoying metal clacking noise?
	Sydney: Oh that's just me. By the way, I can see your past and think you're an evil SOB for killing your own family.
	Ashley: I didn't kill them! Or maybe I did! I have convenient amnesia, leave me be!
	Merlose: Hi, Ashley!
	Ashley: Damn it, I said DON'T become a plot device! Now I have to save your ass on top of everything else too...
	Sydney: Chase after the black-cloaked man, Ashley!
	Ashley: I look too much like Cloud Strife already, don't push the analogy. Oh goddamn it, my headache just made me even more of a murdering bastard.
	Zombie Knight: Braaaaains...
	Ashley: Wait, a city full of dead people has zombies? Inconcievable!
	Dullahan: HUFF PUFF!
	Ashley: Bugger off, I'm not done moping. Well, there's really only one way I can go, so I guess I'll go that way.

Catacombs

	Sydney: I'm going to set up a few boss fights, just 'cause I'm an asshole. M'kay?
	Merlose: You're so weird.
	Ghost-Boy: Cryptic!
	Merlose: Okay then.
	Ashley: What the hell was that?
	Golem: GROAR!
	Ashley: You shut up.
	Lizardmen: SQUAWK!
	Ashley: You too.
	Dragon: ROAR!
	Ashley: And you. This is gonna be a long day...

City Center West

	Soldiers: Gosh, the undead sure are scary! I hope we don't have to fight them!
	Duane: Cowards. Come on, let's go over there for no good reason.
	Guildenstern: Damn I love this place. All evil, all the time. You can't even die here without becoming evil.
	Samantha: You won't let me die here, right, Guildy?
	Guildenstern: Of course not, dear. That'd be far too convenient. I mean predictable. I mean terrible. Yes, that's it. Let's keep moving.
	Ashley: What the hell was that all about?
	Duane: None of your beeswax. Die!
	Ashley: Oh please.
	Duane: I regret nothing! *dies*
	Ashley: Well, that's enough fresh air for now. Down into the earth.
	Wyvern: GRRR!
	Fire Elemental: Humh!
	Ogre: Lemon curry?
	Ashley: *yawn* Can we get on with this, please? Oh not another hallucination, I just had one a few minutes ago!
	Sydney: Enjoying yourself, my dear?
	Merlose: I repeat: you're so weird.
	Hardin: Dude, we're so screwed. Let's get out of here.
	Sydney: No. Have a little hypnosis and calm down.
	Hardin: Not cool, man!
	Ghost-Boy: Obscure!
	Merlose: I need to find a new hobby.
	Ashley: Can I continue now? Thank you. Oh lovely, it's that Guildenstern dickhole again.
	Guildenstern: The walls are all covered in text! Hmm, I think it says "drink your Ovaltine"...
	Samantha: Does it mean something?
	Sydney: Duh. You're an idiot.
	Guildenstern: Come over here and say that to our faces!
	Sydney: Nah. Have fun trying to figure it out!
	Ashley: I have no idea what's going on. As usual.
	Giant Crab: BRAUGH!
	Ashley: Ha ha, I'm fighting you before you were meme-tastic!

Snowfly Forest

	Ashley: What the heezey? Ack, more hallucinations!
	Neesa: This city sucks.
	Samantha: Tell me about it. We're getting our tails kicked by these zombies. This is a bug hunt, game over man, game over!
	Guildenstern: Oh quit being melodramatic. Neesa, go grab Sydney, I want my immortal punching bag.
	Neesa: Sure thing, boss!
	Samantha: That guy scares me. Can we just forget him?
	Guildenstern: Bitch I'll slap you for that! Oh, and that Riskbreaker was watching through your eyes, that's a good excuse too.
	Ashley: Ow...
	Rosencrantz: Wow, you're all that and a bag of chips.
	Ashley: Bugger off, I'm busy being improbably awesome.
	Rosencrantz: But I'm here to help you. The VKP sent me and everything, honest.
	Ashley: Didn't I tell you to bugger off?
	Rosencrantz: Fine. Follow the snowflies.
	Ashley: Thanks for the cryptic hints, but I'll stick with GameFAQs. Oh, and I'm gonna kick your ass next time I see you. Just FYI.
	Grissom: WHERE IS HE!?
	Rosencrantz: Calm down, Batman. Follow the snowflies.
	Grissom: VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!
	Rosencrantz: Oh crap, that was stupid of me.
	Earth Dragon: Yum, Riskbreaker!
	Ashley: Eat Luft Fusion and Dragonite, freak of nature!
	Grissom: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!
	Sydney: You are tiresome.
	Grissom: I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT!
	Sydney: Idiot, you're not a wizard.
	Grissom: AM TOO!
	Sydney: Are not. See? Now you're bleeding out.
	Grissom: AM TOO! DARK CRUSADER, GO!
	Dark Crusader: I like swords.
	Ashley: Need some help?
	Grissom: I'LL KILL YOU!
	Sydney: I was just about to ask you that.
	Grissom: OH BUGGERY!
	Ashley: I'm telling you, they come to me to die.
	Sydney: Well, you are good at murder. Killed your own family in cold blood.
	Ashley: Would you people make up your goddamn minds already about that? Obviously I can't, so I'm just going to keep moving.
	Sydney: Suits me fine. BTW, I'm keeping your girlfriend. 'Ta!
	Ashley: Oh yeah, forgot about saving her for a minute there. Oh well, onwards.

The Keep and Beyond

	Guildenstern: More writing. The whole city's like a book or something.
	Rosencrantz: Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!
	Samantha: O SHI- The city of pure evil is actually pure evil!?
	Rosencrantz: I see you don't date her for her brains.
	Guildenstern: Shut up. You fight with a sword called Pussyfoot, you've probably never even seen a vagina.
	Samantha: Oooh, pretty colors...
	Rosencrantz: The Riskbreaker's got his tenterhooks on your doll. He's just around the corner, too. Wanna go kill him?
	Guildenstern: Nah, that'd make too much sense. We'll wait until the end of the game for that. Let's go, dear.
	Ashley: These people are so weird.
	Rosencrantz: Eh, it's in our contract. Let's fight!
	Ashley: Why? I'll just kick your ass. See?
	Rosencrantz: Fair enough. Yeah, you're a righteous asskicker. I'm gonna go now, but next time I'll get you good! Oh, and you totally killed an innocent family with my help, so don't feel so guilty about it. At least it wasn't YOUR wife and kid, amirite?
	Ashley: Ass-talker. I've gotta get out of this hellhole.
	Dark Elemental: Boo!
	Ashley: I ain't afraid of no ghost.
	Air Elemental: Whoosh!
	Ashley: This blows.
	Timed Door: YOU HAVE THREE MINUTES TO FIND ME.
	Ashley: Screw you too, asshole door.
	Earth Elemental: I rock!
	Ashley: No you don't. Out of my way, I have a door to find.
	Timed Door: CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!
	Ashley: Finally, a save point. And three really annoying enemies to boatmurder me after that gruelling gauntlet. This city clearly loves me.
	Sky Dragon: I am the wind!
	Ashley: You are the dead, actually. Come on, are you even trying, Lea Monde? Crap, more hallucinations...
	Soldiers: Check the door. Door's locked, move on to the next.
	Merlose: We're doomed, R2. I mean Hardin.
	Hardin: Oh shut up. We'll be fine.
	Merlose: By the way, who's the cute mute?
	Joshua: ...
	Hardin: The duke's son. He's shy, and probably horribly traumatized by now too.
	Merlose: Why are you doing this?
	Ghost-Hardin: Sydney convinced me it's worth it. He's totally awesome, and really powerful. He can brainwash people. I totally love him, in a not-gay way.
	Merlose: Uh, he's probably brainwashed you.
	Hardin: Hey, don't read my thoughts! And no he hasn't! Even though he totally could! Just shut up.
	Ashley: Now I'm even more confused. Imagine that.
	Harpy: SQUAWK!
	Ashley: I have Magic Ward now, bitch! Die!
	Lich: EVIL!
	Ashley: I eat evil for breakfast!
	Lich: Cool. BTW, here's how you teleport.
	Ashley: Hey thanks. Now I can backtrack, and the developers have an excuse to turn the game into a series of backtracking fetch quests.
	Nightstalker: SWORDS!
	Ashley: You mean like this one I'm jabbing into your crotch repeatedly?

To the Cathedral

	Tieger: Huh, so that's where Grissom went.
	Ashley: WTF? How'd his corpse get here?
	Neesa: Heads up, big guy.
	Ashley: O SHI-
	Tieger: Die!
	Ashley: No, you die.
	Neesa: Screw this, let's go.
	Grissom: Oh hi guys. What's up?
	Tieger: Dude, you're totally dead now.
	Grissom: Crap, I am, huh? And hey, there's the guy who killed me. Uh oh...
	Tieger: Let's advance on our friend aggressively for no reason, Neesa!
	Grissom: NO MY FLESH IS MINE ARRRGH RUN AWAY!
	Neesa: Well, that came out of nowhere. Bye, Riskbreaker! We're off to fulfill our dead-end sub-plot!
	Ashley: You know, it's not so much the endless fighting as it is the people I meet on the job that get me down...
	Guildenstern: Wow, it's totally the cathedral.
	Rosencrantz: Yep. That's where you wanna go to get the power of evil. Top floor. Definitely.
	Guildenstern: Great, let's go!
	Rosencrantz: Gods, what a gullible idiot...
	Water Elemental: Sploosh!
	Ashley: Oh goody, the last of the elementals! Now I've collected all five!
	Ogre Lord: FRIEND?
	Ashley: Not today, thanks. Ooh, your sword has a Power Palm! Yoink! Oh joy, more hallucinations. Can't get enough of those.
	Merlose: Want some candy, little boy?
	Hardin: Don't bother, he's too smart for that.
	Merlose: Nerts. Hey, tell me more about your past.
	Hardin-Ghost: I feel guilty about how I betrayed my little brother years ago. Totally trying to make up for it now by being nice to this kid.
	Merlose: You're so pathetic.
	Hardin: I'll cut you, bitch! Ow?
	Guildenstern: Tut-tut, no abusing women. That's my hobby.
	Ashley: Well, that was pointless.
	Snow Dragon: COLD!
	Ashley: Is this a joke? I just waxed you in one chain.

Temple of Kiltia

	Guildenstern: Give me the key!
	Hardin: No!
	Sydney: Hey Hardin, tell me where the key is.
	Hardin: It's totally on your back, duh.
	Guildenstern: Fooled you! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!
	Hardin: Son of a bitch! Also, ow. Again.
	Merlose: Straight to the point as ever. A sword to the gut's gotta hurt.
	Joshua: ... (I'm totally hallucinating about my dad to help me deal with this traumatic event. I feel just like the grown-ups now!)
	Ashley: I hate block puzzles. Did I ever mention that?
	Last Crusader: I AM A CRUSADER! AND THE LAST ONE!
	Ashley: I hate pretentious monsters more, though.
	Sydney: Huh, something seems off here now.
	Rosencrantz: That'd be my secret desire to control everything in Lea Monde emerging at last. Gimme your power.
	Sydney: Screw you. HADOUKEN!
	Rosencrantz: Idiot, I always do perfect blocks. Let's dance.
	Minotaur Lord: I am revenged!
	Ashley: I am sick of block puzzles. What an insult that my reward for solving the hardest one in the game is a fight with you.
	Rosencrantz: This is your chosen hero? Look, I totally punked him at the door!
	Sydney: Yeah, well, he kicked your ass.
	Rosencrantz: Shut up! I'ma sever your arm for that!
	Sydney: Nah nah, I've got metal limbs, dumbass.
	Rosencrantz: D'oh! Hey, my sword is an arm! Oh, now it's not?
	Sydney: And for my next trick, check out my magic murdering statue.
	Kali: Mmm, jerkwad! My favorite!
	Rosencrantz: Oh well. Live as an ass, die like an ass, I guess.
	Sydney: Quite right. I've had it, I wash my hands of this nonsense. The city's yours, Riskbreaker. Come see me at the cathedral and I'll give you the deed and everything.
	Kali: Not if I can help it! You're next, meatbag!
	Ashley: Oh please. I could beat you with a Spatha.

The Cathedral

	Ashley: Who the goddamn hell designed this place, and why are they allowed to live?
	Ifrit: BURN!
	Ashley: I hate you.
	Marid: DROWN!
	Ashley: I hate you too.
	Iron Crab: PINCH!
	Ashley: You're pathetic.
	Djinn: ZAP!
	Ashley: Just die.
	Flame Dragon: Flame on!
	Ashley: I went through hell and a handbasket for this?
	Arch Dragon: Holy crap!
	Ashley: That describes you nicely, yes.
	Dao: CRUSH!
	Ashley: Are we done yet?
	Sydney: Hey Hardin, what's up?
	Hardin: Dude, kinda dying here...
	Guildenstern: Give me your tattoo.
	Sydney: Piss off, you can't handle the power.
	Guildenstern: Can too! Gimme!
	Sydney: Persistent twerp. Hardin, I'm sending you away now.
	Hardin: But what about the plan?
	Sydney: Priorities, idiot. Also, ow.
	Guildenstern: Fine, I'll just cut the tattoo off your back.
	Nightmare: CURSE!
	Ashley: I'm doing plenty of that after all those block and jumping puzzles, believe me.
	Door to Last Area: DOOR'S CLOSED.
	Ashley: Oh, clearly I forgot to pull an unmarked, nearly-invisible lever in a room 3 screens away. Obviously, right?

The End

	Sydney: Oh hi, Ashley. I'm basically dead now, but I thought you should know that Guildenstern totally took the deed to the city.
	Ashley: Carved it out of your back, even. Also, ew.
	Ghost-Boy: Yeah, I'm totally Sydney as a kid. See, the Duke's my dad, and we're tied to each other. I can't die, so he can't die, and the city keeps us both alive. We need you to take over so we can both die. 'Kay?
	Ashley: Sure. Where's Guildenstern?
	Guildenstern: Oh don't mind me, I'm just killing my lover up here on the roof.
	Samantha: You promised!
	Guildenstern: I lied. I do that a lot. RARGH EVIL INFUSION!
	Ashley: And yet you're still total cake. I'm disappointed.
	Lea Monde: Come to the Dark Side. It is your destiny.
	Ashley: Bugger off.
	Tia: You know you didn't kill us. Or maybe you did, but who cares? As long as you think you didn't, that's good enough.
	Marco: Yay for self-delusion over truth!
	Ashley: I'm glad my family cares so much for my mental health that they have no problem with me believing what may well be a lie just so I can be happy.
	Guildenstern: Dude, I'm so totally not dead yet.
	Ashley: Let me fix that for you, then.
	Guildenstern: Curses, I've been foiled by the power of love!
	Lea Monde: I'll get you next time, Riskbreaker! NEXT TIME!
	Tieger: Gee, this is going well. Hey Neesa, go run ahead and tell 'em what happened, eh?
	Neesa: Okay, but only 'cause you asked nicely.
	Tieger: Finally. Let's dance, Grissom.
	Hardin: Man, this sucks...
	Joshua: Don't die!
	Hardin: Sorry, gotta fly. Stay good!
	Merlose: I can't believe how useless I was in all of this.
	Duke: Hi, Sydney. Ready to die?
	Sydney: Yep. Stab away, pops!
	Ashley: Huh, well that was morbid.
	Soldier: Who the hell are you?
	Merlose: Merlose, duh.
	Soldier: Oh, okay. Sorry.
	Ashley: No wonder Sydney was always such a dick. Gods, these people are dumb.
	Pretentious Text: Yay, now the vagrant story really begins! Too bad the game's over, huh?
	Ashley: And right when I finally got a decent set of clothes without assless chaps, to boot. Damn my life sucks.

FIN