Sky Render's List of Console RPG Clichés!
Last Updated: 26 March 2009

Open 24 Hours Rule - Shops never seem to close, unless a plot event
requires them to.

"Sure is a long day, huh?" - It's always daytime, unless the plot calls for
it to be nighttime, at which point it mysteriously changes.

Medicine Rule - Despite the fact that healing items can be bought for very
cheap prices at the local stores, there are still plenty of medical
clinics.  Perhaps this has to do with the fact that characters seem to be
substantially more mortal when the plot calls for it, and can't take
advantage of their massive HP stores during story scenes to resist damage.

Forgetful Hero Rule - Heroes, whenever presented with a situation involving
a bad guy holding somebody hostage or using some sort of power to cause
trouble for them, always forget how powerful and fast they really are.
They refuse to go into combat until it's too late (or almost too late) to
change anything anyway.  From this, we can presume that the heroes are
either very stupid, or very forgetful (or likely both).

Supply and Demand Rule - Shops never run out of items, and can sell you as
many as you want (as long as you can hold more, and have enough inventory
space and money).

Supply and Demand Corollary - When selling things to shops, you can't buy
what you sell back from them (unless they already sell that item).

Whoah, deja-vu... - The first dungeon of an RPG (or any of the intervening
dungeons, for that matter) is notorious for becoming the last dungeon.
Sometimes the designers will add a few details to the place, but they're
essentially identical (other than the fact that the monsters are a hell of
a lot harder).

Evil Lair Rule - There is always a last dungeon.  Always.  The bad guys
will never get off their arses and hunt the good guys down, it's the good
guys who have to find them.  This is especially silly in RPGs where the
bad guys have a serious grudge against the game's protagonists.

Agriculture Crisis - It rarely ever rains in RPGs, and when it does, it's
usually either only in a fixed area, or only because the plot calls for it.
Of course, the lack of farms in RPGs could be explained by this, as well.

"Don't drink the water!" - RPG oceans must be fresh-water oceans, because
RPGs rarely have in-land lakes or rivers, and when they do, they have a
nasty tendency to flow from the ocean.  Where do RPG characters get their
water, anyway?

Illogical Armor Continuum - For some reason, the strongest armor has a
habit of being made of materials that are not known for defensive
properties (such as tin and rubber), while items that are praised for their
defensive capabilities (such as iron and steel) tend to be relatively weak.

Limit Rule - Everything has an upper limit that is either a series of 9s,
or about 255.

"Doesn't that weigh a ton?" - You can always carry the same number of all
items, even if their size is completely different.  For example, you can
carry 99 Iron Swords, and not be any more encumbered than you are carrying
99 Potions.

Item Existence Theory - Items must somehow be kept in a mysterious location
that all party members can reach, for whenever the party is split up into
multiple groups, they all have access to all items in the inventory.
Especially ridiculous when party #1 acquires an item that party #2 then
uses or equips.

Ancient Civilization Rule - There is always some ancient and mysterious
civilization that ended anywhere from 100 to 100,000 years ago, and quite
frequently, their last surviving member is a member of the party.  This
party member is also notoriously a female lead, and madly in love with the
hero.  Some games pull the ol' switcheroo on you and make the ancient one
the lead male instead, but the effect is the same.

Twoo Wuv Rule - On the note of lovers, the main character always ends up
having one by the end of the game.  They just can't help it.  Many of the
more modern RPGs focus a good deal on these love stories, despite the fact
that most of them sound like a 12-year-old's interpretation of what an
adult relationship is like.

Mary-Sue Rule - Perhaps the most notorious RPG (and indeed, fiction in
general) cliché is this one.  The female lead of any given RPG is almost
always a Mary-Sue: a spineless, witless, softspoken girl who usually holds
the key to saving or destroying the world itself.  Their cookie-cutter
personalities alone are bad enough to make grown men and women alike weep
in pain.

Gary-Stu Rule - The male counter for the above, the Gary-Stu is a male lead
that's always heroic, and always the one to decide for the Mary-Sue (since
Mary-Sues aren't allowed to think for themselves).  Notorious for making
long speeches, usually about why the good guys all that and a bag of chips,
or about some half-assed philosophy on life.  Fortunately, these characters
are fading fast from RPGs.  Unfortunately, the Angsty Hero is replacing
them just as quickly.

Angsty Hero Rule - In more recent RPGs, this describes the main character
nicely.  An uncaring, unemotional, or otherwise dysfunctional lead who
tries to be an anti-hero.  The Mary-Sue of their game usually tries
(inexplicably, usually successfully) to turn them at least partially into a
Gary-Stu.  Originally, Angsty Heroes were a break from the norm, but now,
they are the norm.  Irony is a bitter fruit.

Fake King Rule - At some point in many RPGs, the king of some country is
revealed to be a fake king who has dispatched the real king somehow.  This
plot is about as ancient as they get.

The Greatest RPG Rule - No matter what happens, or who gets killed, the
heroes not only always survive, but always have to fight some sort of last
boss.  The world can't be saved without an epic battle against the
long-haired pretty-boy or big-ass demon lord, it's just the rules.

"This bridge is off-limits!" - For no apparent reason, things like bridges,
gates, and other critical locations are blocked off until you complete some
part of the plot.  At that point the force that previously blocked you
either vanishes, or lets you through.

Fetch Quests Rule - At some point in the game, whether required or not,
your party will be sent on (or be given the option to go on) some sort of
fetch quest.  These frequently entail getting some common household item
to somebody, or saving a child from a "cave full of dangerous monsters".
Some RPGs could be described as nothing more than a series of fetch quests
strung together into a semblance of a plot.

Fuel Economy 101 - Airships, ships, tanks, it doesn't matter what you
drive, all vehicles use no fuel whatsoever.  On the off chance that they DO
use fuel, it will be readily available for very little or no charge in many
locations, with no risk of crashing into the ground when your fuel runs out
(in the case of airships with limited fuel).

There Can Only be One! - There is never more than one force vying for
complete world domination.  If there is, then either the second force is
obliterated before the plot even gets to the mid-point, or one of the other
opposing force turns out to be a sub-sect of the main world-dominating
empire (or both happen).

"Ah, how refreshing!" - A stay at the inn never takes more than 10 seconds,
and completely revitalizes all party members to full health, even if they
were dead, poisoned, petrified, etc.

"Well, that was pointless..." - An enemy that uses a status ailment attack
tends to drop whatever item is needed to cure that status ailment when
they're killed.

Turn-Waster Rule - Attacks and skills that cause status ailments are never
worthwhile.  Nine times out of ten they do no damage, and the odds of them
succeeding when you actually want them to (ie. against a really hard boss)
are roughly zero.

Space-Waster Rule - Frequently, RPGs come with at least one character who
is completely and utterly useless, unless you dedicate hours upon hours to
power them up to something that resembles being useful (if you even can;
see Gilbert in FF4).  Most of the time, this effort is entirely wasted, as
you could make your main cast twice as strong in the time it takes to make
one useless character into something roughly mediocre.

Powerhouse Rule - As a corollary to the space-waster rule, you'll almost
always get at least one character who makes everybody else in the party
look decidedly weak.  Whether it's because they have the ability to do
insane amounts of damage to every enemy, start out with six times more HP
than everybody else, or because they have obscenely high attack power,
these characters are the ones that most players keep in the party as often
as possible.  More often than not, these characters are the focal character
of the game's story, though there are exceptions (see Xenogears' Citan).

Youthful Hero Rule - RPG parties rarely have any members over 18, and most
of them are anywhere from 12 to 16.  Sometimes you'll get an older
character, but they're frequently frail old men who can cast powerful
spells.  The age range of 30 to 50 is practically unknown in RPGs.

Cheap Bum Rule - All heroes start out with terrible equipment, and very
little money, even if they're royalty.  What is up with these heroes?
Maybe that's why most RPG heroes are 18: they're too broke from buying
games and porno mags to afford weapons and armor...

Royalty Matters - In just about every RPG in existence, some person of
royal status (or in a position of power, if there are no monarchies in the
RPG) joins the party.  Not just bratty princesses join, but also kings,
princes looking for love, daughters of mayors and generals, and even the
occasional queen.  In some particularly ridiculous RPGs, your entire party
is nothing but royalty.

Crouching Hero, Hidden Rank - Party members in positions of power tend to
conceal their rank from their allies, or be totally unaware of their high
rank.  This problem is always taken care of by the end of the game, though,
making the entire hiding of identity bit completely pointless.  Of course,
their position of power is also usually eliminated by the end of the game,
as well...

Endurance Continuum - For some reason, a character can take tons of damage,
be left with 1 HP, and act like they're in perfect health (excpept for
crouching down to indicate low HP, perhaps).  They still do as much damage,
are just as fast, etc., despite the fact that they're on the brink of
death.  In fact, some characters actually get STRONGER when they're on the
verge of collapsing, as utterly illogical as that sounds.  See Limit
Breaker Rule for more details.

Endurance Corollary - No matter how many hours you force your heroes to run
about, fight monsters, talk to people, or do silly mini-games, they never
get tired (unless the plot calls for it).  They can run for six hours
straight around the town square, and not even be fazed.

Limit Breaker Rule - Being at low HP is actually advantageous at times,
particularly in newer RPGs.  Heroes will frequently gain the ability to do
some sort of wonderful attack once they've taken enough damage, or are
wounded critically enough.

"Now THAT's quality clothing!" - Heroes never show any damage to their
outfits, even after having them scratched, slashed, shot, hit by fire and
lightning, struck by tidal waves, etc.  As well, their armor never seems to
show at all, not even as a bulkiness under their fine threads.

"Where DO they keep those things, anyway?" - Before Chrono Trigger, weapons
were drawn out of nowhere, swung at the enemy a few times, and vanished
again.  Where exactly do the heroes KEEP those weapons when they're not
using them?  They can't keep them sheathed, seeing as when they attack, the
weapon is already in hand, as though it's been there the whole time...

"He's not dead, he's resting!" - Heroes never REALLY die (unless the plot
requires them to be permanently expired).  More often than not, if a hero
is known first-hand to be dead, it'll turn out that they get revived at
some point later in the plot.  See FF4 for particularly ridiculous amounts
of this happening.  Some characters are dead before the game even starts,
and that certainly doesn't stop them from joining the party (if as zombies
or ghosts).  Note that this doesn't stop them from being affected by the
next rule, however.

"Oh dear, he's had a sudden and completely unexpected relapse of death." -
Of course, this never stops you from dying repeatedly in battle.
Apparently, they're just faking it.  Quite an amazing feat to accomplish,
after getting hit by vaporizing explosions and sharp weapons.  This is
especially ridiculous when a character who's technically already dead dies.

"We don't REALLY want to kill you..." - Even though your entire party may
be defeated during a plot-based battle, if the battle was grossly in favor
of the enemy, you'll still be alive after the battle, and the plot will
continue.  And yet, when common monsters do the same thing to your party,
you lose for good.  This suggests that the bad guys are either really
merciful, really stupid, or quite likely both.

Save Point Continuum - RPGs often have odd things referred to as "save
points", frequently glowing geometrical shapes or specks of light that make
funny sounds when you walk into them.  While standing in these things, you
can save your game, and if you die, you're automatically returned to these
save points.  Note that these wonderful devices are sadly not present in
real life...

Save Point Corollary - Another frequent thing in RPGs is that you can save
at any time on the world map, which makes utterly no sense whatsoever.  Is
the entire world a gigantic save point?  And if so, then why can't you save
when you enter specific locations?

Saving, Take Two - Some games attempt to oust the old "save point" cliché
by using the equally illogical "adventurer's journal" cliché (in which you
record your quest in a book to save).  This is, if anything, even MORE
silly than standing in a glowing object that makes funny noises when you
step into it, as it makes no sense that you can mysteriously reappear in
front of some book that you just happened to have written a diary entry in.
If the world worked like that, we'd just have to keep a journal with us at
all times, and write in it whenever things started getting risky.  Not that
the heroes ever think to carry one of these adventuring journals with them,
mind you...

Button Pressing Theorem - RPG heroes are frequently told how to control
things in terms of buttons on the controller.  While useful to the player,
this does bring up the question of whether the characters in the game ALSO
have to press buttons to make their bodies do things like talk, walk,
attack, and climb ladders.

Button Pressing Corollary - In addition to this above illogicality, RPG
heroes also often have the ability to do certain things via these buttons
only at certain times (like climbing, ducking, jumping, attacking, and so
forth).  They can never draw their weapons out of battle unless the plot
calls for it, and giving CPR when it's unneeded is totally unheard of.

"What perfect form!" - Whenever a character attacks, casts a spell, or does
anything involving moving in combat, they do it the exact same way every
time.  They never vary their techniques even in the slightest, and if they
make any mistakes, they always make the same mistakes every time they screw
up.  Synchronized swimming would probably come naturally to them, although
they'd no doubt have to press a button on their arms to move forward.

Broken Record Rule - Townspeople always say the same things over and over
again if you talk to them long enough.

Broken Record Rule, Hero Version - If a hero has a battle-based war cry,
they will use it EVERY time they use a skill or attack.  Sometimes they
have four or five main attack calls, but they almost never have more than
one thing they can say when casting that great spell or using that
wonderful sword technique.  (NOTE: This mainly applies to RPGs with voice
acting, but there are some titles that fall under this rule without VA,
such as Final Fantasy Tactics.)

"His metabolical processes are at an end!" - Not only do RPG heroes never
eat, but they also never excrete, bathe, or sleep unless it's required by
the plot (or if you make them do it).  They can go for twelve days straight
without showing the slightest sign of needing to do any of these things,
and longer than that if necessary.

Strict Formation Rule - Your party will always follow very linear
formations.  If you can see them trailing you in the field, they'll always
follow in a perfectly straight line behind you.  While in battle, they'll
line up in a row like soldiers and always retreat back to this strict
linear ranking as soon as their turn is over.

Loose Cannon Rule - When you get a party member that's not a real party
member in RPGs where your party follows behind your main character, they
frequently don't move at the same speed as your party does, nor do they
follow in the same strict ranking order that the rest of the group does.
Some claim it's to add realism (which it was in the case of Earthbound),
others call it laziness on behalf of the programmers.

Selective Ability Rule - Characters can do fantastic things while in
battle: they can fly, jump, pounce, do sixteen-hit combos with swords, and
even shoot balls of energy out of their palms.  But that's in battle.
Outside of battle, they can't even so much as jump over a medium-sized rock
in the road, and if they can jump, they will frequently find themselves
blocked by mysterious "walls" that they cannot see.

Party Conformity Rule - Party members almost never join at a level that
differs greatly from the party's average level.  They also tend to carry
equipment that's about on par with the rest of the party.

Logical Illogic Rule - If ever you find that there is something utterly
illogical going on in an RPG, it will frequently be somehow explained in an
even more illogical manner, sometimes with circular arguments.  One can
sum up from this that RPG worlds are very bunk.

Deus Ex Machina Rule - Inevitably, there will be some key force or
character responsible for at least half of the significant elements of the
plot.  Whether it be something as simple as how magic works, to as complex
as a group plotting world domination, you're bound to discover by one means
or another that almost everything going on in a game world can be traced
back to a single source.

Machina Ex Deus Rule - Big machines are always important.  Always.  If it's
two stories tall or larger, it's central to the plot.  The bigger the
machine, the more contrived its involvement in the plot is, and the more
sacred/profane it is.

Midget Murderer Rule - In most RPGs, your characters are very small in
battle.  We're talking half to one-twentieth the height of the bad guys.
Of course, this doesn't hinder them in slaying the obviously larger
enemies, and doing ridiculously larger quantities of damage than said
enemies, despite being apparently three feet tall in battle.  For an
especially ridiculous rendition of this, see the original Wild ARMs.

Midget Murderer Corollary - Any enemy that is as small as (or smaller than)
party members is either very weak, very strong, very hard to hit, very
valuable, or some combination of the above.

"Size DOES matter!" - In many RPGs, the key way to tell how much power a
weapon has is to check out how long it is.  The first few weapons tend to
be short and ineffective, while later weapons are sometimes bigger than the
heroes themselves.  Certain Freudian theories could explain this.

Stat Raising Rule - Many recent RPGs have provided items that can raise
character stats by a miniscule amount.  These items tend to cost a fortune
to buy (if they even can be bought), and are almost always not worth the
effort to collect enough to max out the stats of the entire party.

Weather Continuity Rule - Weather never changes.  If it's snowy in one area
of the world, it's always snowy there; they never get warm weather.  If
it's raining somewhere, it likely never stops raining there (or is only
raining for sake of the plot).  Seasons are as hard to find in RPGs as is
the concept of the flow of time outside of the plot.

Bad Guy Patience Rule - If somebody is planning to destroy some place, kill
somebody, or otherwise cause havoc, they'll always wait until the hero
shows up before they begin.  This is mainly so they can show you how beefy
they think they are via drawn-out FMVs and intentionally unwinnable battles
that everybody hates.

Consistency? What's That? Rule - Few RPGs have consistent difficulty.
Many of them have decidedly easy fights most of the time, and boss fights
that are straight out of the pits of hell.  One must wonder if the
developers are chuckling to themselves in a juvenile way when they set the
enemies' HP to 6 times that of the main characters, when they make an enemy
immune to every single elemental attack, or when they give an enemy an
ultra-powerful move that few players would be strong enough to survive.

Tactical Illogicality Rule - Of course, most of these uber-bosses have some
silly weakness to a status ailment which can render them entirely harmless.
Naturally, the player has absolutely no way of ever knowing what this
weakness is.  This strengthens the argument for the theory that game
developers do, in fact, hate the players.

Microworld Rule - Every RPG world is exceptionally small.  Added to this is
the fact that every town in most every RPG has less than fifty people
living in them, and usually has far fewer houses available to people than
there are people in the town.  RPG worlds have perhaps two or three hundred
people on them, at most, usually less.

Backwards Day Rule - Any time somebody doubts something, it must be true.
Also, whenever somebody is certain of something, it must be false (unless
it's an ancient legend, that is; those are never wrong, after all).

Legendary Hero Rule - Nine times out of ten, some ancient prophecy or
legend predicts that the hero of the game (that's you) will save the world.
And, of course, ancient prophecies are never wrong...

Basket Case Rule - As an additional rule of thumb, RPG heroes are almost
always completely batshit insane.  Whether it's simply a case of severe
emotional issues, or an outright case of head trauma and/or amnesia, every
RPG hero has at least one mental issue.  Perhaps this is why they're
wandering around, randomly killing animals in grasslands for hours on end.

Basket Case Corollary - Of course, each and every one of the hero's mental
and emotional problems will be solved by the end of the game (or sometimes
even during the ending).  After all, nobody wants to have the world's
greatest hero be a psychopath!

Prop House Rule - Most houses in 2D RPGs that the player can't enter don't
even have doors (see FF6 for extreme examples of this).  How does anybody
get inside?

Festival Starvation Rule - Whenever a great feast is prepared for your
party, the party itself (or at least the main character) will never
actually get to eat any of it.

Co-Dependent NPC Rule - No NPC can ever solve their own problems.  Ever.
If they have any sort of trouble, the hero has to help them solve it, even
if all that problem is is a lack of some household good.  Maybe they're
just taking advantage of the heroes and their overbearing compassion...

Coincidental Event Rule - The hero and his party always show up at any
given location just in time to see or participate in something, be it a
once-a-year/decade/century/millenium festival/tournament, an unexpected
attack on a village, or a house spontaneously and often inexplicably
catching fire.

Everburning Wood Rule - Anything that catches fire will continue to burn
until the plot calls for it to stop burning.  This is true of everything
ranging from torches to houses to entire towns.

Everything Can Burn Rule - Similar to the above, ANYTHING can catch fire,
be it made of wood, straw, stone, steel, diamond, ectoplasm, or whatever a
game world's most powerful material happens to be.  Anything on fire will
always burn exactly the same as everything else (in terms of color,
intensity, and sound, if applicable), and only magic flames will glow a
different color (usually blue or green).

Physics Be Damned Rule - If something looks really cool, who cares if it's
completely impossible?  Because everybody loves to watch elephants do
backflips, witness tunnels be carved through oceans that stay there for
almost a full minute, and see entire continents lift out of the ocean
without disrupting the tides on the surface of the planet.

Combat Simplification Rule - Any game possessing a war system of any sort
will be reduced in complexity to something roughly resembling either
Rock-Paper-Scissors, Risk, or the game's normal battle engine.

Conflict Scale Rule - No matter how grand and world-encompassing a conflict
may be, in the end it will all come down to the actions of a handful of
what usually amount to mercenaries (read: your party).  Especially
ridiculous in Suikoden games.

"The World Is Square" - The majority of game world maps fit into a perfect
rectangle, and loop BOTH directions.  This is, of course, completely bunk
(unless game worlds are in fact donut-shaped).

"This geography looks familiar..." - Game world continents tend to have
shapes that resemble either Earth continents, or various animals (dragons,
birds, snakes, etc.).  Some game worlds (most notably Quintet games) have
world maps that look exactly like Earth does, in fact.  Though many of
these Earth renditions loop both directions, so going just a bit past the
north pole takes you instantly to the south pole...

Forbidden Travel Rule - Many RPG worlds forbid you to go beyond certain
bounds by blocking your passage via obstacles that only vehicles can pass.
Similarly, you'll often find guarded gates and sealed caves in the way of
any wandering you might be interested in doing.  Tourism and trade must be
entirely nonexistent in these game worlds...

Communist Choice Rule - You never get to make any decisions that really
matter in RPGs.  Owing to the linearity of RPG stories, any time you're
asked something and the "wrong" response would cause a major shift in the
way the story is told, you'll be asked again or have your decision reversed
on you somehow (or have it not have any effect, which is especially
annoying).  Exceptions are split-path RPGs, and generally you only get one
significant choice in these (example: Radiata Stories).

Linear Fate Rule - RPG stories, no matter what you do in them, always come
to the same ending (occasionally there are two endings, but they're rarely
very different).  Even in games where there are branching story paths,
there's always one final ending that ties everything together somehow.
This is true of most entertainment, but it's still kinda freaky, especially
in the games with the branching story paths.

Backwards Architecture Rule - Despite how stupid it is to do this in real
life, it's generally a good idea to fall down through holes in the ground.
If the ground's not quite broken yet, just dance on top of it for a few
seconds; it'll break and drop you into a treasure room or somesuch soon
enough.  Yet another example of RPGs promoting suicide...

Non-Dangerous Danger Rule - In fact, anything that looks remarkably
dangerous (a spinning whirlwind, a huge dark rift that's glowing an ominous
shade of red near the bottom, a building covered in flames, etc.) is
generally pretty harmless on the whole.  You'll often be expected to enter
these seemingly dangerous places, and they'll usually turn out to have trap
floors that do 2 damage per step at worst, and maybe random encounters that
are no more difficult than what you faced outside of the fake hazard.

Freefall Rule - Falling great distances in RPGs is never fatal, or even
painful to the heroes.  You'll often be expected to drop a few hundred (or
thousand) feet to reach your next destination.  How do they survive those
falls?  Well, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that they fall
at a constant speed the whole time.  Gravity?  What's that?  Also, any
events occurring during these freefall periods will mysteriously prolong
their fall to the earth until they've been completed.  Took a half hour to
beat up Air Force in FF6?  No problem, you'll still land on the floating
continent, instead of becoming a smear of red on the ground below!

Military Expulsion Rule - Any time the hero is admitted into a prestigious
military organization, he or she will shortly be expelled from it.  If they
are not promptly expelled, then said affiliation with military organization
will bear little to no importance on the overall plot, as let's face it,
an RPG where you just do missions for other people doesn't sound appealing
in any way, shape, or form.

Ancient Puzzle Rule - Any ancient puzzle devised for any purpose will
inevitably not only be possible to solve, but also get solved within 20
minutes of the player encountering it.  This is true of all ancient
puzzles, even the ones that scholars have been "studying" for untold
centuries.  Player characters, no matter how dumb, are still infinitely
smarter than NPCs.

Selectively Useful Rule - Items and spells that are highly important to the
plot don't generally do much for you after the story scene's over.  In
fact, they usually sit in a separate part of your inventory, and do nothing
at all when you try to use them as a normal item.

Selectively Functional Rule - Any item that can be used to cast a spell
can only be used in battle.  Even though there's no logical reason for it
to stop working out of battle, of course.  This is especially annoying with
items that cast powerful healing spells when used.

Priceless Junk Rule - Items that sound like they must be totally worthless
are almost always exceptionally valuable in some way.  Everything from
rat's tails to little coins you can't sell can and usually do garner you
insanely useful prizes when you trade them to some collecting fanatic or
dragon god.

Priceless Junk Corollary - Anything that sounds dead useful probably isn't.
In fact, chances are it's going to blow up in your face or turn out to be a
fake.  Don't get too excited if you unearth a solid gold crown or a Staff
of Ultimate Destruction, as the crown's probably fool's gold and the staff
probably casts the weakest Fire spell in the game when you use it.  And on
the off chance that it is useful, odds are painfully good that you won't
get to keep it for long.

Monster Collector Rule - Recently, this has become popular.  You can
collect monsters in many games, either for your own team or for some crazy
old kook who thinks he can tame them, and usually get some sort of reward
for doing so.  Nevermind that these monsters are seeking the demise of
anything that crosses their paths; once you've tamed them, they wouldn't
hurt a fly (unless you told them to, of course).

Temporal Anomaly Rule - In any game world where time passes, each day will
end within 30 minutes of its start.  Even weirder is that, no matter how
many days pass, no story events will take place unless the player actively
participates.  You can see this effect in any RPG with inns as well; spend
a few months resting at the inn, and nothing is different.  It's as though
the passage of time has no impact whatsoever on anything.

Treasure Map Rule - All games based around sea travel will have treasure
maps, without fail.  And they'll always be a pain in the ass to find and/or
use.  The developers must really love pirates.

Bishonen Rule - The male leads (and villains) of many RPGs could easily be
mistaken for females.  This is especially true of RPGs made during the
PlayStation era, where the girly-boy look was most popular.

Reverse Sexuality Rule - On the off-chance that a male character is
blatantly homosexual, they will inevitably attempt to come off as a
womanizer or narcissist.  Nobody, player or game character, is fooled by
this facade.

Puny Powerhouse Rule - No matter how intensely or how long a character has
trained, when they join the party, their level is always on par with or
lower than the rest of the party.  Similarly, the first character you get
is always between level 1 and 10, even if they've supposedly risen to the
top ranks in the military of their home country.

Ported Game Rule - Any time a game gets ported, something is added.  This
can be anything from a simple graphics update or bestiary to a bonus
dungeon not accessible in the original game.  These additions are generally
very obviously added at a later date, too, since they don't resemble the
rest of the game at all.

Anorexia Rule - RPG heroes and heroines are always listed in the manuals
(and occasionally on status screens) as weighing about 25 to 50 pounds less
than they appear to, rarely peaking over 120lbs.  Nevermind the fact that
somebody that light could never lift a 60+lb Buster Sword.

Vanilla Villain (Vanillain) Rule - When it comes right down to it, a lot of
RPG villains come off as just being evil for the sake of being evil.
Whatever motivation they're given according to the plot never quite seems
to line up with their actions.  There's almost always at least one villain
that falls into this category in an RPG, usually the one you fight as the
last boss.

Pure Heart Rule - Any time a Mary-Sue or hero manages to do something that
falls outside of the rules of an RPG world (ie. it's impossible for anybody
else to do), the excuse is always that it happened "because of the purity
of [their] heart".  This excuse is so lame and entirely unhelpful that it
causes a gag reflex in most players.  It rarely even makes sense from an
obscenely open-minded point of view, even.  How does having a "pure heart"
prevent an atomizing explosion from killing somebody?

Arboreal Conversation Rule - It's more or less guaranteed that, at some
point in an RPG, you'll be expected to talk to a tree (or some other type
of plant).  This does not help RPG heroes' images as sane individuals.

Earthbound Rule - Also another general rule of thumb: enemies in any given
RPG often include things which you would not normally think of as able to
put up a fight (like lamps, cars, plants, and even rocks).  Add on top of
that that most enemies have a habit of looking like something that was
devised on an acid trip, and you have to wonder if the heroes are, in fact,
hallucinating all of their opponents.  Named for Mother 2 (aka. Earthbound)
and its predecessor and successor, where such enemies are very commonplace.

Nerf Bullet Rule - Unlike real life, enemy bullets rarely do much of
anything to your party members.  In fact, they tend to do less damage than
melee attacks.  If you're lucky, your own gun-wielding allies won't suffer
from this problem.  But don't count on it.

Chosen One Rule - This rule is as old as dirt.  The hero is always some
form of "chosen one".  From the grand scale of being destined to save (or
destroy) the world, to being destined to take out the garbage on Thursdays,
the main characters are always pre-ordained to accomplish some task.

Takahashi Rule - No matter how many forces are causing major plot events in
a game, it always rounds down to a single overbearing force that's
manipulating everybody else.  Similar to a deus-ex-machina, but separately
listed since most deus-ex-machina are objects, not people/organizations.
Named for Tetsuya Takahashi, who has yet to write a plot which doesn't
revolve around this cliché.  It just gets damn ridiculous in his case, as
he often has these umbrella organizations fighting each other, too.

Cinematic RPG Rule - Most modern RPGs fall under this rule.  Whenever a
game has a free-moving story scene camera, story scenes will always be
shown in an overly cinematic fashion, frequently coupled with countless
Hollywood movie clichés as well.

Wal-Mart Rule - Every RPG has at least one NPC who says some variation of
"Welcome to <town/castle>!" to the player when you talk to him/her.  Rule
named for Wal-Mart's practice of hiring greeters, since these NPCs appear
to exist solely to welcome people to town.

Free Will Rule - RPG heroes are almost always a projection of the player
into the game world, and show no awareness whatsoever that they're being
controlled by said player.  This applies even to most light-hearted RPGs
where the fourth wall is regularly broken.  The most notable exception to
this rule is Contact's Terry.

Unlikely Help Rule - Whenever the party is in dire straights, there's a
decent chance that they'll be saved by an unlikely source.  Everything from
former/current enemies, to the most useless party member (who suddenly
shows more aptitude), to a dog that thinks it's a cat can be the party's
savior in their moment of peril.

Galactic Federation Rule - No galaxy-wide police force or government will
ever be effective.  Instead, they'll be bunglingly inept, corrupt, and
overall very ineffective at doing anything for the people they're supposed
to be protecting.  Unlike an evil Empire, however, they're usually not out
to take over the world or anything like that.  Employees of these groups
usually get pay cuts based on their boss's mood, and soldiers will charge
you money to talk to them sometimes, just to further illustrate how corrupt
"the system" is.

Fatal Duel Rule - Any time an RPG incorporates a duel of any sort, you will
automatically get a game over if you lose.  This is in spite of the fact
that you have a good half-dozen other characters standing on the sidelines
(at least; especially ridiculous in Suikoden duels, when you usually have
about 60+ allies on the sidelines)  who could resume the duel for their
fallen comrade, revive them, or even go Ides of March on the idiot who
wants to duel you.  Why would they bother with a duel anyway?  The bad guys
care nothing for honor in most RPGs, so why should the heroes humor them?

Scouting Party Rule - No matter how many allies you have available to you,
you'll only ever get to take along 3 to 6 of them, supposedly to make it
easier to move about.  While this might make some sense at times, it makes
no freaking sense at all when, say, storming a huge fortress or taking on a
boss who's in plain sight with tons of open space around them.  Especially
silly in Suikoden games, where you have armies numbering in hundreds and
thousands, but battles always boil down to 1 to 6 allies fighting the boss
enemy.

Lowly Hero Rule - A favorite theme in Japanese games.  Even though your
party went and saved the entire world/galaxy/universe itself, they get no
credit for it.  Indeed, they will frequently be belittled and treated like
some sort of criminal after doing said saving, usually by a particularly
haughty or self-important "noble" (who is frequently much more fitting of
the "criminal" label).  Fortunately, those sorts always get their
comeuppance during the ending, and the good guys get their way in the end.
They just don't get even a word of thanks for basically being the saviors of
the world.  That's gratitude for ya.

Star Wars Rule - Any space-themed game will fall under the effects of space
opera clichés.  This includes sound projected through space, themed planets
with ecosystems that should not be livable, near-instantaneous travel
between planets, unexplained energy weapons (short- and long-ranged both),
and a universal language (though that's not always present).  Naturally,
none of these things are actually possible in real life.

No Peace For You! Rule - Any time it seems like the plot could potentially
resolve in a peaceful manner, something or someone will come along and muck
things up royally.  This process of false endings will continue until there
is nothing more evil left to kill than what's currently thwarting peace, at
which point you'll be fighting that one thing/person as the last boss.

Gullible Hero Rule - Heroes are notoriously trusting, even when there is
very good evidence that they should not be extending that trust towards
certain individuals.  This trust is downright blind, as the hero will
continue to trust obviously evil characters even after said characters have
revealed that they are the reason that the hero has suffered so much.  This
overwhelming stupidity on their behalf always gets resolved after the
character they trust so much against all sound reason betrays them and
makes things a thousand times worse, naturally.

Sequel Weakling Rule - In almost every RPG that's a direct follow-up of
another one, the characters who return from the first game will be back to
low-level stats at the start of the new game.  Apparently, they can't be
bothered to keep in shape for the whole 15 seconds to 2 months that elapse
between the two games.

Happy Tree Friends Rule - Nobody in an RPG can perform any simple task
without it having massive and horrible repercussions, usually due to some
coincidental event that coincides with said simple task.  Named for the
incredibly violent Happy Tree Friends cartoons, where this kind of thing is
a very frequent occurence.

Meaningful Mark Rule - No disfigurement, injury, birthmark or other
physical oddity (like mismatched eyes or swirly pupils) on any player
character is without some important backstory.  Some games revolve almost
entirely around these unique features, in fact.

Meaningless Symbology Rule - Japanese RPGs especially feature names from
various religious and mythological sources, frequently having no actual ties
to these sources.  Occasionally the religious symbolism is central to the
plot (as in Xenogears), but usually it's just there for show and often
mistranslated (as in Tales of the Abyss).

Rune of Punishment Rule - Even if a character is, according to the plot,
suffering from a horrid condition that will kill them shortly or a cursed
artifact that will destroy them as they use it, this is only in terms of the
plot.  They can keep doing whatever is making them so ill as much as they
want and suffer no side-effects whatsoever.  This can get especially
ridiculous when they've supposedly only got days left to live, yet you spend
the equivalent of months getting them powered up.

Tom Sawyer Syndrome - Any plan made to accomplish a task must always be more
complex than necessary, have ludicrously dangerous tasks involved, and have
a huge risk of failure.  Nobody will ever suggest a logical solution that's
fast, efficient, and effective; they'll always go for the most dramatic
solution possible.

Cinematic Cop-Out Rule - The most impressive-sounding events in any given
RPG are told, not shown.  Presumably this is done to keep the games' budgets
reasonable, but it still feels like they've cheapened the game when an
entire epic battle is reduced to a text description.

Hot-Crossed Genre Rule - Any genre can be made into an RPG, with varying
degrees of success.  FPS (Hexen 2), soccer (Inazuma Eleven), even farming
(Rune Factory).  No matter how impractical it may sound on the surface, a
way can always be found.

"Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button." - No futuristic facility
can ever exist without having a self-destruct mechanism.  Said mechanism
will always be easy enough for your party to operate within seconds, and
always have the option to delay the detonation just long enough to escape.
All of this is in defiance of the insane stupidity of rigging an entire
building to explode at the jab of a button in the first place, of course.
Dude, if you wanna blow up your top-secret lab, just fire missiles at it
from a distance.  Way less chance of some do-gooder coming and committing a
terrorist act on your facility with your own damned explosives that way.

Sam & Max Rule - There is no problem so dire that it cannot be solved with
wanton and gratuitous violence (ie. a boss fight or long series of battles).
Every issue known to man can be cleared up simply by beating the ever-loving
crap out of the right person.

"Would you like to fail? Yes/No" - This happens in most games, but RPGs do
it all the time: you're given two choices, and only one makes any sense to
take, but both choices have an impact on gameplay.  Why would anybody pick
the "other" choice?  Only the developer knows.  Particularly evil games set
the default option to the bad choice, just to catch inattentive gamers off
guard and screw them over.

Irrelevant Statistics Rule - No matter what your characters' in-game
abilities may be, these attributes will never carry over to minigames.  This
leads to absolutely ludicrous situations where characters are strong enough
to one-hit the last boss, but can't even scratch the defenses of their
opponents when tackling in a sports minigame, or can be knocked out cold by
a few well-placed punches from an enemy that they normally can kill fifty
times over with a single regular attack, but in the minigame need to hit
them five to ten times to defeat them.  The reverse effect works too, of
course: your prowess (or lack thereof) in minigames has no parallel to your
non-minigame attributes at all.

Nelson's Rule - RPGs love to play cheap tricks on you, and frequently taunt
you if/when you get caught by said cheap tricks.  Any time you're given an
option, the most intuitive solution is almost certainly a trap of some sort
that will screw you over.  Meaning that the best way to play through most
RPGs is to do incredibly unintuitive things whenever possible.  Named for
the Simpsons character Nelson, as you can just imagine the developers
chortling a nasal "HA HA!" every time they set up one of these childish
anti-logical traps.


Additional RPG Clichés By Phantasia Knights:

The Balancing Act Law - In every RPG where you can jump, you can always
jump on top of people, animals, etc., and they will rarely (if ever)
respond to this.  Those must be some strong children.

Turbo Turtle Rule - Any turtle in an RPG, despite being one of the slowest
animals on earth, will always move at a speed so fast that it knocks you
across the room when it collides with you.  See: Seiken Densetsu 2 and
Radiata Stories.

Inverse Challenge Rule - The harder it is to get something, the less
satisfying the reward is.  Similarly, the less work you have to put into
something, the more rewarding the prize is.  This is especially true in
recent RPGs, where ultimate weapons and summons can be obtained without any
real effort, while your prize for finishing the final stage of the ass-hard
minigame is usually some sort of lame healing item.

The Puff Puff Rule - Nobody will ever just come right out and say they want
to have sex with the hero.  Instead they will always use innuendo and
satire to try to get around the issue.  Likewise, the hero will never pick
up on this attraction, even though she's got her boobs so far in his face
they obscure his vision.  On the off chance that someone actually does
attempt to have sex with the hero, the screen will always cut away just
before this happens, while censored text is posted on screen in order to
stay compliant with ESRB regulations.  No doubt this has led to many an
assumption that the lead character swings the other way.

The Shirley Rule - Many Mary Sues, when confronted with the realization by
her party members that she just saved their asses from certain death, will
always deny that they used any sort of power at all, and that they have no
idea how it happened.  This of course, is a load of crap, seeing as just
five seconds ago they were surrounded by a magic aura that she couldn't
fail to notice if she was blind.

The Suikoden Rule - Ultra-powerful artifacts in games will always corrupt
everyone except the hero, no matter what.  In the hero's case, they seem to
only get more virtuous as time goes on instead, and often dispel whatever
evil possesses the artifact, "by their virtuous hearts" (gag).  In the
event the bearer of this artifact is another party member besides the hero,
they will always either be cured by the end of the game, or use the magic
to sacrifice themself in an attempt to redeem anything he did while under
the influence.  Named for the Suikoden series, where the True Runes cause
this sort of thing to happen on a ridiculously regular basis.

Limited-Admittance Healing Rule - Any sort of healing spring or other means
of recovery is off-limits to anybody besides the hero.  Just because you
can recover all your HP and MP before a boss fight via pool of water or
convenient save point doesn't mean that the boss can go and do the same
thing during the fight.  Even if said healing source is all of 5 feet away
from them, and there's nothing physically preventing them from doing so.
Which is rather nice, for the good guys.  Of course, the good guys usually
can't heal via these things mid-fight either, so fair's fair.

The Locked Elevator Rule - Whenever there is an elevator, or any locked
door for that matter, in an enemy stronghold, you can be sure that the
entire enemy army will do their damndest to give their life to defend it,
despite the fact that the switch that controls it is often in the same
room.  So named for Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits, which is
especially ridiculous about this.

The Postal Hero Rule - In RPGs with destructible environs, no one will ever
so much as bat an eye while you merrily blow their place to smithereens
with high-powered laser guns and steal whatever survives, while sometimes
even being priased for it.  Named for Xenosaga, which needs no explanation.

Professor's Rule - Love and courage is the ultimate power in the universe
and will always make all of your problems go away.  Decated the the
Professor of Xenosaga III, who's the only one who realized how stupid
this is.

General Bitparte Rule - Any leader of an army that has no real importance
to the story merely exists to die because damnit, someone has to die in
battle, and it sure as hell isn't going to be the villain.  Extension of
the classic Red Shirt Rule from Star Trek clichés: the only characters who
ever die are the unimportant ones.

Luke's Rule - In the event that the main character does come from a rich
and/or well off familly, they will not use any of their money to finance his
adventure for fear of spoiling him.  Named for Luke in Tales of the Abyss.